Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me. I really appreciate it and I value you as a human being for overlooking the fact that I haven’t answered any of your texts. I will never forget this and would be happy to compensate by promising you all of my off-spring.
However, I honest to god cannot socialize with anyone right now because I’ve just come back from one of the following environments:
A) My friend invited me to a thing but didn’t tell me she was also going to invite 4-5 other people who are all friends and so I am recovering from the amount of Forced Socializing I had to do that I didn’t mentally prepare for.
B) The subway was really crowded on the way home from work and it was very hot and it kept stopping underground and I kept having mini panic attacks where my skin gets all prickly and I feel like I’m breathing incorrectly and I’m cursing the fact that I might die with all these strangers and there are three guys trying to breakdance a foot away from me and I can’t believe this is the last thing I could potentially ever see.
C) I just saw and spent time with someone I’m related to.
D) My friend invited me to a thing and did give me a heads up that I was going to have to make small talk with 4-5 other people who are all friends and so I am recovering from the amount of Forced Socializing I had to do, even though I did sort of mentally prepare.
E) I just got drinks with my friend’s roommate who does that thing where he interrupts everyone with a comment that is unrelated to what is being talked about.
F) Someone did something today that was not precisely what I wanted them to do and I’ve suddenly remembered that I can’t control everyone and I just need time to collect myself.
G) I’ve been successfully social the last five days and now need to be alone or else I will set myself on fire.
Thus, you must excuse me from being social starting [insert today’s date] through [insert estimated end date], returning [insert date of return].
If you need immediate assistance during my absence, please send me 15 texts in a row entirely composed of question marks or exclamation points. I still won’t answer them until at least 48 hours have passed or if I’m drunk, but I will definitely know that you’re irritated I’ve been ignoring you.
I will respond to your messages as soon as possible upon my return to social sanity.