This Is The Reason I Keep Reading Our Old Texts


Girl reading texts
Unsplash / Becca Tapert

I keep rereading our old texts, because I can’t bring myself to delete them. It would be like admitting defeat. It would be like officially letting you go — and I’m not ready to do that yet. I don’t want you out of my life. I don’t want to erase every trace of your existence. Even though I know I should probably be done with you by now, I refuse to act like our ‘relationship’ never happened. I refuse to forget the way you made me feel.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I’m hoping that I’ll find clues about why you left. I’m searching for closure. For a reason why you hurt me. I’m wasting my time looking for hints hidden inside of your sentences because your change of heart couldn’t have come out of nowhere. You couldn’t have stopped caring out of the blue. There must have been red flags that I never noticed before.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I miss you more than I can take. I know it’s a bad idea to text you, so reading through your old messages is the next best thing. It’s a way for me to feel close to you, even though you’re far away. It’s a way for me to act like everything is okay, like you’re still in my life, like nothing has changed between us.

I keep rereading our old texts, because there’s a part of me that thinks you’re going to come back one day. I don’t want to erase our old conversations, because we might be able to look back at them in the future and laugh. We might be able to read through them together and talk about what we were thinking when we sent them.

I keep rereading old texts, because they are a reminder that I’m not crazy. That there really was something between us once upon a time. It wasn’t all in my head. I wasn’t reading too far into things. The texts you sent prove that you had feelings for me, too. They prove that it wasn’t always as one-sided as it feels now.

I keep rereading our old texts, because it’s easier to play pretend than to face reality. Instead of telling myself that you’re gone, that you’re never coming back, I try to remember the feeling that you used to give me before everything went downhill. The way my eyes used to light up when your name popped onto the screen. The way that I would scramble to think of a flirtatious reply. The way you would always flirt back.

I keep rereading our old texts, because I torture myself whenever I get the chance. I listen to sad songs that remind me of you. I watch your favorite shows. I replay our memories over and over again in my head until I can’t take the pain anymore. Instead of forgetting about you, I drown myself in thoughts of you. I can’t help myself. I miss you too much. TC mark



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