Shocking nobody, Nine Lives, the movie in which Kevin Spacey plays a cat, did not screen early for critics. My editor mentioned I should pay to see Nine Lives then write about it. Personally, I thought this was a lousy idea. Anyway, on Friday morning, I saw Nine Lives in the basement of a movie theater on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I honestly knew nothing about Nine Lives other than Kevin Spacey plays a cat. And right before I left to see this movie, I was told it was directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, which I don’t believe.
While I watched Nine Lives, I kept a running diary. Here’s how that all went:
11:00 a.m.: There are many more people here than I expected to see Nine Lives first thing in the morning. Maybe 25. I am shocked.
11:03 a.m.: This movie is literally playing in a basement.
11:13 a.m.: I just realized every person at this movie has a child with them except me.
11:20 a.m.: Nine Lives starts with a series of internet cat videos.
11:22 a.m.: Kevin Spacey is parachuting out of an airplane over New York City.
11:22 a.m.: What is this? I thought Kevin Spacey played a cat? I thought this was Look Who’s Talking only with a cat.
11:25 a.m.: Jennifer Garner is also in this movie. I literally had no idea.
11:27 a.m.: Kevin Spacey plays a mean businessman named Tom Brand who is trying to build the tallest building in the Western hemisphere.
11:28 a.m.: Kevin Spacey says he hates cats. I bet that attitude will come back to haunt him in some way.
11:33 a.m.: Kevin Spacey’s daughter wants a cat for her birthday. He’s now at a supernatural cat store. I refuse to try to understand what’s happening.
11:34 a.m.: Christopher Walken is also in this movie. Of course he is.
11:38 a.m.: Scenes transition with crazy zoom in from far away CGI. It reminds me of the Daredevil movie. This is a movie about Kevin Spacey turning into a cat.
11:40 a.m.: Kevin Spacey finally turns into a cat. This happens when he falls off his skyscraper. I am not making this up. There is also lightning, but the lightning didn’t seem to have anything to do with it.
“Hey, so how do we make the transition to Kevin Spacey being a cat?”
“Well, lightning is always an option. People seem to buy into the fact that it can have supernatural consequences.”
“That seems too obvious. What if, hear me out, Kevin Spacey is plunging to his death from the top of the tallest building in the Western hemisphere and that turns him into a cat?”
“Kids will love that.”
11:43 a.m.: Christopher Walken plays a cat whisperer.
11:43 a.m.: I can’t decide if Jackson Galaxy would love or hate this movie.
11:44 a.m.: Kevin Spacey is now referred to as Mr. Fuzzypants.
11:45 a.m.: Mr. Fuzzypants is trying to use a pen in an effort to tell his wife he’s Kevin Spacey.